I don't like being judged for my past, who does?

As I sit down to write this post, posting it to the general public makes me nausea with fear. I have read other's blogs about this topic and always felt a mix of awe and shame for them. Sharing such private intimate details to the public opens you up to a lot of criticism , judgement and also in way makes you more accountable. However, recently I have been able to witness some incredible acts of courage in that people took chances to allow themselves to be more vulnerable. Feeling strength from their energy and in the spirit of NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness Month), I want to share my story.

“To get something you have never had you must do something you have never done."

I have created a life for myself which has many separate identities. Danielle, the therapist. Danielle, the friend. Danielle, the teacher. Danielle, the athlete. Never allowing pieces of my past slip into my current life. Many people in my life now do not associate me with an eating disorder or know of my past and current struggles with it. In a way through this blog, I feel like I am 'outing myself' and it is extremely uncomfortable! From the age of eleven until twenty five, I battled an eating disorder and this eating disorder was winning. Finally at the age of 27, I can say I am in the recovering phase. Recently, my therapist has encouraged me to take a different step of recovery which includes being a voice of recovery to others. In essence, my story is unique because very few look death in the eye and come full circle to recovering. I have many fears about being this open with others. I don't like being judged for my past, who does? But if I am extremely honest with myself, I did not want to have to open up about my past to others because I did not want any questions about my current lifestyles. Alas, I know some of my choices are not always pro-recovery. And until recently, I was not ready to take on the challenge of addressing all my current behaviors to really be in recovery. With that being said, a part of real recovery for me is learning how to discuss my past and current struggles, reflect on the progress I've made, and not lose sight of how my eating disorder can manifest in insecurities. By opening up, I hold myself accountable and hopefully let some of the shame dissipate.

Let me explain further, since moving back to Rochester, I have been more 'recovered' than ever. I know understand what people mean when the state: “I will always be recovering.” When I first started getting helped, I hated hearing people say I would always struggle with this disease. As my attitude is in regards to most of my life, I want a neat package and I want to be done completely with this disease. I don't have time to be 'recovering', I want to be recovered! Now knowing more about myself and my habits, my neurons, my lifestyle, and genetic predisposition; I realize that eating disordered thoughts will emerge during acute stress times. Some people drink when they feel stressed, others feel suicidal, some isolate, I often report that I feel fat. This feeling of being 'fat' is so intense and surprises me each time. My definition of fat very much differs than that of the general population. I don't find myself very focused on appearance or placing a lot of emphasis on physical appear but yet in stress, I always feel 'fat'. For me, the term fat is equivalent to feeling out of control and equates to when I feel paralyzed by anxiety or stress. In order to control these uncomfortable moments, I have relied on exercise or eating a certain way to make these painful feelings more tolerable. So how does one find a place of recovery in this? Will I continue to feel certain symptoms ?

One day I was discussing my eating disorder with my therapist and used this example to explain how I see recovery: In the throws of the disorder, the wolf (the eating disorder) will be at the front door, fighting to get in. As time goes on, you can see that wolf in the distance and he will come closer if you allow him to. The wolf waits for a vulnerability to reintroduce himself. The body craves the comfort of the habitual comfort of numbness and will pull to return there anytime things get tough. Basically, ther term recovering (instead of recovery) allows me to recognize that during stressful times, I may experience eating disorder thoughts (that the wolf will always be waiting in the shadows). However, just because you experience these thoughts, does not mean you have to act on them. Recovering allows me to remember the horror of the disorder and never let it control my life again.

Returning to further explain my current situation, I want to briefly touch on my past but not focus on it. Because in reality, that portion of my life does not make me unique. In fact, it is incredibly similar to many of my peers who struggle with eating disorders and go to treatment. Take my word on this, I was very ill. My form of addiction was through restriction of calories and exercise. Somehow I manged to eat almost exactly the same thing for 13 years and obsessively exercise. At the age of 21, I finally went to inpatient treatment in Oklahoma (followed by a half-way house). Nothing about this experience was easy for me; everyday was a struggle between being healthy or succumbing to the disorder. I choose to stay in Oklahoma to obtain my Masters of Social Work and once completed, I return back to Rochester with no concrete idea on how to actually beat an eating disorder. Not that inpatient treatment did not provide me with tools, it was just very difficult for me personally to translate those tools and skills into recovery outside of the hospital. For those who have been introduced to motivational interviewing, I was in a term called 'pre-contemplative stage' for quite some time. I always knew I wanted to get better but did not know how. I often put a lot of pressure on my family to model 'healthy eating'. In an unfair attempt and desire to learn from those close, I wanted my family to change and teach me how to have a better relationship with being healthy. I did not grow up in a household that had a healthy relationship with food or exercise. And like many others, my wish for a family who was 'normal' did not happen. I do not blame my eating disorder on one specific person or incident but expecting my family to model healthy relationships with food is unfair. As I worked towards recovery, I learned that my family can offer me a lot of positive qualities but illustrating how eat enough and have an appropriate relationship with exercise is not one of those. Actually, once I was able to accept my family as is, it became easier to find my own path to recovery.

Research reports that at age 25, the frontal lobes fully develop. Bare with me, my biology knowledge is not superb. I contribute the development of my frontal lobes and higher level of cognitive function and reasoning skills to one of the main reasons I was finally able to fight the disorder. In the eating disorder world, I constantly heard hang on until your 25. In reality, I did not think turning 25 would help me. However, I believe in the back of my mind, I held some unconscious hope that something would 'click' for me. True to form, age 25 was a 'miracle age'. The combination of my age, desire to be healthy, my hard working therapist, nutritionist and others who believed in me, I started upon the slow, very slow, so painful slow ( did I mention SLOW) journey to recovery. I slowly by surely started to incorporate regular food in my diet. For me this was an ugly clumsy waltz as I attempted to learn a few new steps. It really did mimic a dance, I could take three steps then would fall and start over. Each time I redid the beginning steps, it became a little easier. As I tackled the food portion, my exercise piece was regulated but not focused on. I was 'allow' to exercise 5 times a week.

For the first year of my true recovery, I was able to regulate both components of exercise and food. While working on recovery, I realized that unhappiness in my overall life was contributing to keeping me sick. This past fall, I choose to take a huge risk and leave my full time job in order to apply to PhD programs. I have never voluntarily walked away from money for a new opportunity or really put myself out to be rejected. Amazingly enough, I kept my food intake diverse and challenging. This is also a first for me. In the past during challenging or uncertain times, I would use food to cope. I fought hard and did not give into the old eating disorder thoughts. I wish I could say the same about my exercise. It is amazing what we can convince ourselves. It didn't occur to me that I was utilizing exercise again in a way to soothe my anxiety about the unknown. Somehow, I felt that if I was working out only five times a week, I was still 'basically' complying. ( True to any addiction, the term basically is often used when you are not actually doing what you need to do). I continued to discuss exercise with my treatment team to head off the unforgiving eating disorder for infiltrating my brain again. My workouts became harder and my running miles increased but I still did not surpass my five day (work out) rule. The allure of the running found its way in and each workout week was a little more intense. I start to re-identify myself as a runner and surround myself with runner friends who found most of behaviors normal. Yet, regardless of this struggle, my treatment still considered me still recovering. True to eating disorder form, I viewed this set back as a failure and to put myself down. My therapist helped remind of how far I had come. That a year ago, many of my current changes (such as eating normal amounts) would have have never happened.

My therapist who believed very much in my recovery recently asked me to speak with a girl who needed a mentor. A part of me felt like a fraud, who was I to speak about recovery if I still struggled? However, I thankfully agreed and the meeting reminded me of the places and how far I had grown. I saw with more clarity that although I was struggling, I still was recovering (and that these two can be simultaneous). Essentially my challenge became to monitor my exercise and recognize when I needed to step back. In order to truly discover recovery, I knew I needed to change my exercise to an acceptable amount. With this came the desire to my out myself to my athletic friends. Although I would drop hints about my limitations, I could never honestly tell them why. This prevented them from fully understanding why I refused certain races and miles. Since many runners border on obsessiveness, I know many can relate. But a part of me enjoyed this stage of bliss where no one questioned my actions and instead encouraged me to train harder.

After changing my routine, the disappointment set in. Cognitive or not, I regathered my hopes of being a successful runner. I decided to write this blog in a way as a confession to hold myself accountable and to stop hiding portions of myself. So I ask myself: with my current routine, does this no longer hold me to my runner status? Who knows. But in order to remain alive and healthy, training for the world's hilliest marathon or complete an Ironman is not in my cards. I can't say that this will never happen because when I start with those terms such as Never or Always, I get lost in fear. All I can say is to me, recovery means finding a balance between exercise and eating. So right now, I cannot train like others (which might mean my times may not be as fast but I'll be alive). And at the end of the day, bigger than any goal I have, my top goal is to really live, not just survive but to thrive. I don't ever want to go back to the place where every decision I make is a fight for life or death. I choose to never let go of Danielle, the recovering side.