What I have learned from these challenges is, no one can tell you what you are or what you are not. YOU have to decide that.

I realize a lot of my posts tend to focus on exercise and athleticism but this is currently what I find myself most wondering about. I find myself trying to better understand what a runner is . When I completed inpatient treatment, I was told to take running out of my vocabulary. I remember it so clearly and remember thinking, okay I was not a runner and I am not a runner. I pulled off my numerous marathon bumper stickers off my 2002 Jetta and said I would never be a runner again. The tears poured down my eyes as I felt my identity being ripped from my hands. According to the specialists, running was my addiction. For those suffering with drugs, we tell them to stay away from anything drug related. Don't hang out with those old friends, don't go down those street, don't go to the bar. Difficult but depending on your motivation, definitely doable. The experts tell me I must regulate my exercise and find a healthy have medium with it all. So, unlike other addictions, I cannot just stop eating or stop exercising, I need to find a way to manage it. You will never hear a doctor tell you not to exercise. Instead, you get the opposite actually. Most of my non eating-disorder professionals are befuddled by my contradictions. Stating that I have the healthiest addiction ever and they wish they had my dedication. Time after time, well-trained professionals would comment on my low pulse stating what an elite athlete I can make. I am a very visual person, so I often visually how I really want to respond and in my head, little Danielle starts screaming and pulls out all of hair. Instead, I calmly explain that this is not the case for me, and indeed my exercise will kill me faster than anything else. I have digressed, but back to the original point of no longer being defined as a runner. When my body was able to tolerate exercise again, I was told I could walk X number of minutes a day. That worked for around 2 days before I felt like I could do more and so on. So walking became my gateway to being on elliptical for hours a day and finding other exercise that fueled my addiction. So often my practitioner focused on running being my drug, what they did not realize is that any type of mind-numbing exercise could fuel me. I love (and hate) how it feels to push your body so hard that you can't experience any emotions . I gave up the running title and picked up a whole slue of other ways to identify myself and meanwhile mourning the loss of my title. I I don't think losing the way you identify yourself is just common to me; I actually believe this is very common to lots of people. For instance, those who are mothers and their children go off to college must work to re-identify themselves, the business man who loses his job or retires, the student who parties and then graduates and must find a job, the professional basketball player who after 35 is no longer allowed to play professionally, etc. We all have this time period where we must really look at who we are from the inside and look at who we want to be. If you spend your entire life identifying yourself based on external factors, then most people will need to adjust how they define themselves eventually, thus resulting in somewhat of an identity crisis. How you choose to deal with this is your plight. Some choose plastic surgery, other choose to strengthen their spiritual life, other become more adventurous, or change their diet, etc. After a long hard battle, I chose to focus on my internal qualities and place less emphasis on my external factors. So I decided to write a list for the factors I refuse to compromise on:

1. Determination
2. Strength
3. Emphatic
4. Caring
5. Kind hearted
6. Spunky
7. Understanding
8. A good friend

Then I thought to my self, what are the core characteristics for many runners:

1. Determination
2. Strength

Two of my most important attributes can be interchanged for internal and external principals. So I come back to the words we choose to define ourselves with. I looked at why I liked being called a runner and thought what does being a runner require a certain amount of miles a week? Does being a runner have a specific definition?

It is all a matter of opinion and perspective. If I want to define myself as a runner because I run, then I can, as can anyone else. At this point in my life, I can define myself as so much more and so much less than just a runner. My definition of being a runner has changed over the years, as does my idea of being strong. What this tells me, is as we mature, we change and can tell ourselves and others the story we want. I don't want my story to be based on one sole characteristic but instead based off of many. Why do I choose to relate myself to runners? Because they have one heck of a community that I love being a part of. Some of my best friends are runners and the community itself is a beautiful, caring supportive place. With the appropriate balance, running, exercise and being healthy can help someone be a part of a something. With that being said, this is one of the reasons, I feel so passionate about speaking up about myself and my past. To remind folks, we are not all the same. For me, running more, or training harder is not a good idea. Although many try to encourage me to do this because they see my potential, they do not know the hardships I have faced. I have never given the opportunity to know this about me because of fear. Fear of judgment, fear of them accepting me, ext. I know I can and will push myself beyond my ability and perhaps until I can no longer move. Running 100 mile races is not for everyone, as running a marathon is not for everyone. Most recently, I have chosen to help coach Girls on The Run. This is a running group for young girls to help them work up to a 5k. What I will most stress is the importance of balance. Balance between eating enough, pushing yourself but also knowing when to say no. As women we are often taught, more is better and try harder, say yes! But in reality, we must except we all have limits and learn how to expand our limits in a positive way. I myself have started to embrace my strength for what it is worth, as I will encourage others to do. The way I see it is we all have this one shot at life and we must feed (literally and figuratively) our spirits. I want my spirit to have the strength and the will to carry on. I know I can identify myself as a runner because of the attributes I hold myself to. What I have learned from these challenges is, no one can tell you what you are or what you are not. YOU have to decide that. Who I am will always be a combination of what I have been through and what I want to be. Most days, I define myself by internal qualities because that is how I want to be seen. So I ask my friends, How is it you want to be defined? By that 4 minute mile you ran in college, by the marathon you are training for or the person you aspire to be. All can be right for you if you want them to be.