2nd, 15th, 22nd or last place: the outcome will be the same and eventually, the race results will fade.
Coming off my most emotionally charged 100 miler in Utah
(The Bear), I decided last minute with my coach to sign up for a 50 miler. The
goal was to end my season on hopefully an emotional higher note. I had one goal
for this race: unconditional self-compassion for myself and effort. I was a
month (or so) out from the 100 miler and still so pissed at how I treated
myself during the race. (And I know, how does it help to be pissed at yourself
when you are working on self-love?!). Regardless, I wanted redemption and not
in the usual sense.
See, about 6 months before The Bear, I decided to take the
next step in my career and started a sports in Social Work certificate to
improve my knowledge base for working with athletes and improving their
negative self-talk, imagery and mindfulness. I have
been doing homework assignments, reading books, journaling and working on
improving my relationship with myself. Because, when you are a therapist or
mental health coach, it is really important to do your own work and understand
the journey (that you ask your clients to go through). This work is not easy, and honestly, it would
be much easier to just run. Mental Health work is similar to Pandora ’s Box: once
you open up and see how you treat yourself, it is hard to move past it. So with
all of this practice, I toed the line at the Bear and royally messed up on all
levels (emotional and physical). I finished the race with this huge sense of
pride of overcoming but also was quite disappointed on how I treated myself. I
could not believe how mean and ugly my own self-thoughts could be.
Being a therapist and mental health coach, some people (WHO
DON’T KNOW ME) might mistakenly believe that I live in this positivity bubble
that I preach. My close friends, family, partner and dogs are very aware of how
fast I fall down that negative rabbit hole. The truth is our minds are not consistent and
instead very fluid with every thought. With an anxious brain like mind, I need
to be prepared and ready for when I have a negative thought (not if). I am not always great at this, I am frustrated
that after so many years of working on this piece of myself, I still have these
bad moments that can consume me.
Race Day: Run the Rock 50 Miler! I start the race as relaxed as possible and
automatically find myself towards the middle of the pack. I try and remind
myself my goal of the race but my competitive nature kicks in and I lose myself
in the pack. I take a deep breath and remind myself to focus on the now and do
so for a few miles.
However, during some of the switchbacks, you can see a long
line of a runners heading up the hill and I slowly start to count the women in
front of me. I again, go back in that negative
mindset. Most importantly, I get
frustrated that these negative thoughts even still arise and think to myself: how is
it possible that I continue to find myself in this position!! I have this moment in
which I refuse to let my ugly thoughts impact me and I literally tell myself to
stop out loud. I connect to the actual reasons I run. As ridiculous as this is, I remind myself
that life is fleeting and I will not allow athletic performance to define how I
treat myself. I refused to give it that much power over my life. I take deep breaths, study the frost, focus
on those yummy (yet disgusting) stale peanut butter sandwiches and allow myself to embrace the
simple movement of running. I finish my first loop and immediately spot the
MOST ADORABLE dog ever and stop to pet it while looking for Aaron. I realized I
had come to the 26 mile mark faster than I realized and there was no Aaron.
After telling the awesome aid station workers to find my partner and tell him I
am alive, I head off for my second loop. I somehow spot Aaron walking up and we laugh
about him stopping for chips. I start to
run again and worry about going too fast and only being half way done with the
race. As silly as this sounds writing
it, I literally start to say the mantra
of “We can only focus on this moment and we don’t have to worry about anything
but right now.”
The miles click off and I slowly started to catch these
strong, bad ass women. I continue to
enjoy the moments and not worry about the next miles. I crest the top of the last
hill and see my friend Sarah (she has been out and about with her adorable dog
SUE!). She informs me two females are
about 2.5 minutes ahead of me. My automatic thought is we are almost to the
finish, I’ll never catch them. I again tell myself I need to turn my mind toward positivity and realized I
have no way of knowing that. So, I take off and catch them within the last mile.
I was so extremely excited to see my friend Maria Dalzot and told them to bring
it in with me and I kept running. I crossed the finish and was informed I
finished 2nd female.
2nd, 15th, 22nd or last
place: the outcome will be the same, eventually, the race results will fade. I wouldn’t
remember the outcome and neither will others. However, I will never forget the
race that I continue to choose the path of hope, positivity and resiliency.
This race could have easily ended in tears, heartache and discouragement but I consciously
and continually made the choice to be kind to myself. The secret is not that
the negative thoughts wouldn’t arise; it is how to manage them when they
do. And I am so thankful for the opportunity
to, once again, grow as a person not just an athlete. As always, thanks to my awesome and inspiring coach, volunteers, Alpine Running, Sarah for being out there and
Aaron J
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