What does success mean to you?

What does success mean to you?

By definition, suc·cess (səkˈses/): “
the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." To some, success may be as simple (or as hard) as getting out of bed in the morning. To others, success may be more to reach a certain goal or to never give up. To some, such as myself, success has been something I have always taken for granted.  I don't often give the 'journey' enough credit and focus on results. In a way, society teaches us to function and live like this. Often the message presented is that your best is not good enough, and if that is your best, you better try harder. Failing for us is not an option. fail·ing [fey-ling]:”a defect or fault; shortcoming; weakness.”  Can you locate at what point something becomes a 'failure'? Is it never trying what you unconsciously want because you afraid of outcomes?  Or is pulling back when things get too tough. Since my head seems to think in terms of athletes, I often look at challenges as a race.  Are you the one who never registers for the race because you are so scared of failing? Or are you the one that drops out when you are not hitting the right times for your miles? Or do you try your hardest and learn from it? There is also the runner that finishes the course regardless of the consequences and/or injuries it may bring. In the past, I have bounced between the two of only trying the things I can succeed at and not knowing when I should step down regardless of the consequences.  I can relate to those who state their anxiety of failure has dictated their life; the misery of the daily struggle is far more comforting than the fear of the unknown.  

In a way, fear has helped me settle in my current life. Without intending to, I have operated from a place of fear.  I found solace that the current situation (no matter how bad it is) is better than the fear of the unknown. Until one day I changed my mind and realized how much fear guided my life and my previous success had closed doors rather than opened them. So I took a leap of faith and decided to change my life course. While most people are having children, settling down and being promoted in their current field, I am applying to go back to school. The horror on people's face when I tell them about my desire to go back is quite amusing, as if I have chosen jail. Some people cannot believe at my age when I should be settling down, I am choosing to take my life in a whole different direction. After contemplating this decision for a few years, I took the plunge and started to apply. In my head, I had finally given up control and now I wanted to believe everything in my life would fall into place. (Any of yoga counterparts are probably already shaking their head at this naivety). But truly and honestly, I thought that by jumping into fear I was opening up doors and everything would connect and make sense. My whole life people have been telling me that sometimes you have to let things fall into place, surrender to something greater than yourself and take a chance. I hoped that by trying something new and following these statements that everything in life would make more sense and work out perfectly. Cute, right? I finally gave up 'control' and it should all work out. In reality, I did not ‘fall’ into faith, I put like a foot out there.  So as I waited for the admission’s decision, I remember thinking, well I will truly believe in this whole bigger picture thing after I get accepted (because that will be the proof I need to believe in faith!) The whole surrender process has always been foreign to me. I have been the type that bangs down doors and moves mountains to make things happen. By being so determined not to fail, I refuse to give and potentially force things to happen that weren't in the cards. In the past, success meant making something happen regardless of the outcome it may have (such as it not being right). The idea of surrendering to the universe doesn't feel comfortable or safe. However, in reality, that is what we are forced to do every day. We do not have the control over many outcomes and we are just here for the ride.

So my life told me, it had other plans than the ones I had made. I received my first few rejection letters from PhD school; I was disappointed but didn't let it phase me. In the past, I would have seen rejection as personal but this time (at first) I was able to keep it in perspective and shrug it off. I then received an email from Purdue (the only school I visited) and was waitlisted. This really shattered my hope and in a way my confidence. I had gotten my hopes up and thought by applying, I would open myself to the universe and everything would fall into place. I couldn't help but think: “this is what surrendering is?” “I knew it wouldn't work for me. Things just don’t come together like that.” (This would be when a yogi spirit or Sherpa would say something along the lines of: Now child, if it was that easy, everyone would do it.)  After some reflection, I realized that although I would love to obtain my PhD, my main reason for applying was because it gave me a good solid plan for the next few years. I so badly want to find the 'right' plan for myself. 

I continue to fluctuate between being discouraged/ frustrated to a place of peace. Some may tell me I am overthinking this or perhaps making excuses, but I came to a place of understanding in rejection (today). If I take my ego away, the shame of being rejected and failing dissipates.  Without ego, I am able to believe that the universe is guiding me. Before now, I had not considered that a). I could still get in or b). This is not the right time for PhD school or c). That it is not the best path for me. Allowing myself to fail is a proud moment because it means I tried. Until now, I have never given myself the opportunity to fail. Through this, I have been humbled and reminded to be appreciative of where I have come from.  Often we allow failures to dedicate how we describe ourselves and believe we have no control over it. But, we do have control. We have control in how we view this failure and instead of seeing it as a failure; you can see it as an opportunity: an opportunity to grow, be more humble and appreciate the successful moments. Today, I appreciate how determined I am and believe that someday I will look back and be thankful for the opportunities I have because of ‘rejection.’