A Case of the Should's

               It is 2:45 AM and a million thoughts are spewing in my head. I try to fall back to sleep for hours and around daybreak, I head for the trails to clear me of my fears. Some people fear the dark in the woods, I find solace and hope. Plagued by uncertainty of the future, sleep is not an inviting place. I have decisions to make about my future and I am uncertain how to proceed. Do I take the safe comfortable way or put everything out on the table? As I am moving to make a choice, I catch a nasty case of the should's.
      The should's generally show their ugly face when taking a new life path and when being confronted by other's questions about my life and my future. Lucky for me, this has been happening a lot lately! As my Facebook page illustrates, I have not been working since June when I volunteering choose to leave my job. My original plans did not pan out and I have been enjoying incredible adventures in the mountains or woods.  Since I am not hiding the fact I am not working and my future is uncertain, I have had many uncomfortable conversations started by individuals with well-meaning intentions.  True to this concept, I bumped into an acquaintance who asked about my life and when they heard I had left my steady job with a solid 401k, they were horrified and concerned for my well-being. The conversation went something likes this: 
Acquaintance (A):“ You are not working right now. Wow. How will you ever retire?”
Me: Good question. 
A: And you are 30?
Me: Yep.
A: And not married or have a boyfriend?
Me: That is correct.
A: Do you want kids?
Me: Maybe. 
A: You need to be careful about your eggs, do you know they are dying ?


Me: My eggs are dying, interesting. Well that is something I have not heard yet.... Thanks for your concern, I am going to go. 
A: I have a friend who did IVF, want to talk to her? Maybe you should freeze your eggs. 
Me (walking away): I'm good...thanks.
My Path: A little gnarly
          As I walk away, giggle to myself, thinking what a silly women. As the moments pass and I think about how common said above conversations is, doubt creeps into my head. Am I doing this wrong? Is my time running out? My path is seemingly more difficult (different) than the standard way. I don't want my eggs to die! Stop dying dammit! Shouldn't I be getting married and having kids? I am 30. I feel fucking 16. What am I doing with my life, chasing a dream and moving cross country away from my support and loved ones?! Should I settle down and get my prioritize straight? 
         
         As I debate my options, the dread of the mundane lifestyle  feels much more heavy and intolerable than the fear failing. Hence my current inability to sleep, my brain is an active place trying to sort these ideas out... which lead me to my early wake up call on the trails.  I run to the top of the hill and take a moment to sit in the dewy grass and stare up at the stars. I find a rare moment of peace and all feels right in my world. The decision has been made, this is the life I have chosen. I stop the should's and embrace that this path may not be the one for everyone; but it is the right one for me. I am chasing mountains, running fast uphill and taking in each moment. The lesson is clear, folks: Don't should on yourself. Although this new chapter in my life is a scary, uncertain one, it is one I must complete.  Watch out, Oregon.



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